:: Friday, January 23 ::
the doctor told us today that my mother has "a few to six months" left to live.
:: Wednesday, January 21 ::
and tonight i found comfort in the arms of a 75 year old african american woman from alabama. my uncles mother. who comes to my mothers room to pray a few times a week. and as i hugged her goodbye, she wouldnt let go and i wouldnt let go. and it was the first real hug. you know. in a really long time. and i cried and cried and she whispered prayers into my ear.
my heart feels like its gone away. it just isnt there anymore. and my insides feel empty. and really. there are no words to describe this.
i just. hurt so much.
:: caroline 12:10:00 AM [+] ::
i almost cried three times while in the hospital room with my mother today. i felt that urge. you know. choked back the tears. i dont know how not to feel it. you know. watching her sleep. watching her blank face. then. as tears fall down her own face in disillusionment. i think im still in shock. i think theres still this part of me. that doesnt know how to cry about this. thats waiting for the right time. or something.
:: Wednesday, January 14 ::
i think the hardest part of today was watching her stare blankly. hopelessly. out her fifth floor window. just looking numb. and utterly stunned. the fifth floor. overlooking part of the city. and the ski area on the mountain in the distance. shes in the cancer ward now.
and i dont know how to cry about this. i dont know when i can. i dont know when it will be okay to just. let go. and just. cry about this.
and i know. theres this huge part of me. deep in my heart. that wants it to be summer. and wants it to be 1976. and wants to hold her hand. and wants to go to the park. and skip together on our way to the playground. and let her push me on the swings. and catch me at the end of the slide.
:: caroline 10:13:00 PM [+] ::
‘do a lot of praying for me tonight’ was her request after the junior residents in the white lab coats had gone, after they put the tube down her throat and into her stomach, by way of her nose.
:: Tuesday, January 13 ::
she called me this afternoon in tears. we had to admit her to the hospital today. i cant even talk about it right now. i cant even talk about it. i dont even know how to think about it.
but shes in the hospital. due to blockages and potential dangers caused by such. and tonight. im doing a lot of praying for her. and getting the extra bedroom ready.
:: caroline 2:10:00 AM [+] ::
"my favorite sport is watching you sleep / i like knowing you dont know im there / and anyone could guess the hours i keep / by the black-circle-bitchiness, the heidi-gone-acid hair" -edie carey 'lean into me (live)'
whats there to say right now. theres this huge part of me that wants to apologize for the state of my journal these days. its depressing, not to mention non-existant. i know it is. and i want to apologize for that. but this is my life right now. and anyway. i really. just wanted you to know that. i know. and im sorry.
so whats theres to say. its very likely that my mother will be moving in with us next week. we told her it was an option and she is sounding like she is almost ready to move forward with it now. this will mean a huge lifestyle change. i am nervous. and i can tell she is too. but mostly. im happy to be able to help her as much as i can right now.
we will be heading to dana farber. the fourth best cancer hospital in the united states. in the next couple of weeks. its been recommended by her doctor. and today. by accident. i found a statistic telling me that the five year survival rate of ovarian cancer is fifty three percent. fifty. three. fucking. percent. that made me angry. and made me cry. i dont know what else to say about that. really.
and i have worked for the last eight days. back at the newspaper. it was good to be there. good to see old friends. good to be working with friends again. just good to be in that fast paced high energy environment. i was covering for the woman i used to work with while she took some vacation time. i enjoyed it. the distraction. i always enjoyed the encompassing distraction aspect of that job. but toward the end of the week. when i started feeling really back into the swing. i started getting anxious. and little things started to annoy me. and it was thirty degrees below zero with the windchill. and i was out taking photos to bring my editors big bad ideas to fruition. photos that my editors thought should be taken. and now. you know. i can look back at the daily proof of the past week of my life. and be proud. but also. so glad its over.
yes. we looked at another wedding site last week. which was a great forty acre farm on top of a mountain. with an incredible view. and a pond. and unbelievably cheaper than the last one that was, more than not, a big disappointment. so yea.
and tonight. ill go to bed alone. as the boy is ten miles away. tending a middle of the night broken furnace in one of his buildings. sigh.
and big fish? cannot. wait.
:: caroline 12:34:00 AM [+] ::