:: Sunday, December 28 ::
i made a terrible mistake tonight. i watched wit on hbo. the story of a woman dying from advanced stage ovarian cancer.
:: Saturday, December 27 ::
"i have stage-four metastatic ovarian cancer. there is no stage five."
yes folks thats right. the same thing that for the past thirteen months, my mother has been battling. i didnt know the character died at the end. i didnt know it was going to be so goddamn raw. i watched it. mostly with tears in my eyes and my hand over my mouth, clutching the stuffed eeyore that the boy brought down for me halfway through. for comfort. and the truth is. i should have just shut it off. i wasnt ready to watch it. but i just kept watching her. seeing signs of my mother. a lot of the things she went through are things my mother is going through. side effects and feelings. and seeing the things that may come. terrifying. i should have just. turned the damn thing off.
:: caroline 11:42:00 PM [+] ::
my hands are ice cold. when the temperature dips this low outside, you can always feel a bitter draft coming from some crack somewhere in this old house. the pipes and radiators are tapping, so i know the heat is working, but i still need to keep rubbing my hands to keep them warm.
:: Wednesday, December 24 ::
tomorrow is my first day back at the old newspaper job. its temporary. filling in for the person they hired to fill my position when i left for new york. so. so far. high school wrestling in the morning, and boys high school basketball in the evening. and otherwise? lots of nothing, as its a dead time of year. so it will be a lot of feature hunting. but im excited for it. much moreso than one probably should be for such events. i will be working next weekend also, and then the following week. and its good. for all the reasons it was good before. it will keep my head temporarily circling outside of whats actually happening around me. it will keep the depression at bay. and even a temporary respite is a good one right now.
:: caroline 12:46:00 AM [+] ::
i want to write about my sad drive home through the fog. and i want to write about helping my mother walk to her bed without falling over because she is so weak right now. and sitting on the edge of her bed as she tried to fall asleep. despite all the pain. and aside from the constant feeling of needing to vomit. consoling her because she felt so bad that she couldnt put on her annual christmas eve party. how the roles were so reversed that i thought i was going to cry right there in front of her. remembering how she used to sit with me until i fell asleep when i was young and sick, or scared of something. and i even want to write about how i was feeling as i drove up to our house tonight. and the way the lit up tinsel snowflake that we put in our living room window a few nights ago. it looked like the northern star as we drove up. my northern star.
:: Wednesday, December 17 ::
but im at a loss for words right now. and instead. ill say merry christmas to those who celebrate it. or happy sixth night of hanukkah for those who celebrate that. and for those who dont. have a wonderful day of rest.
:: caroline 9:29:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, December 16 ::
"its safe for us to be guardedly hopeful"
those were the words that came from my mothers doctor today.
its not much, but its something.
:: caroline 12:00:00 AM [+] ::
an update of all sorts of things. over there.
:: Monday, December 15 ::
:: caroline 1:06:00 AM [+] ::
i caught a few minutes of dean's speech on msnbc earlier today. more importantly though. i caught this part.
:: Wednesday, December 10 ::
"But the capture of Saddam has not made America safer..."
damn. that man has guts. even buchanan & press were giving the man props right after the speech. i just cant say enough about him. but to come out and say what no other politician has had the balls to say (a statement thats obvious to a lot of people)? the man has guts.
i heart howard dean.
:: caroline 7:27:00 PM [+] ::
hi. i finally figured out my password and how to do this again.
and new york? the dream NG thing? not so much.
closely resembling the third rung of hell is more like it. but yea.
more on that. soon enough.
:: caroline 9:15:00 PM [+] ::