:: wildflower ::

the life and times of a wildflower girl
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:: my mother
:: she wasnt gone
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[::..recent flicks..::]
:: fahrenheit 9/11
:: 13 going on 30

:: Friday, April 25 ::

i didnt want to come back. yesterday morning when i woke up in our room i whimpered and clung to the uncomfortable bed. with a long face, i packed my bags. i didnt want to come back.

but i did. and i am. and my mothers blood count was too low again this week for the doctor to allow her to go through with what is supposed to be her final chemo treatment. so our vacation was cut short for nothing. and shes frustrated. and im worried. and upset. and scared. and a shitload of other things. that i dont even know how to put into words.

but we were treated to a surprise visit from my uncle billy, my mothers youngest brother. and a free breakfast.

now. a list of things i need to do in the immediate future:

-move to maine
-figure out how to get microsoft word onto my computer without paying for it
-apply for that internship that was just posted yesterday
-find my heart in my work again somehow
-walk more
-call mom, re: next week
-pull myself together, for god sake!
-apply to semester long documentary workshop in portland
-use semi-new lens on the digital camera at work
-say my prayers

:: caroline 10:50:00 PM [+] ::
:: Friday, April 18 ::
we're leaving in a few minutes for our trip to maine. yay. ill be back next thursday night, just in time for my mothers final chemo appointment on friday morning. a week of walking on the beach. swimming in the indoor pool at our hotel. sleeping in. eating yummy thai food. and visiting friends and babies. by the end of the week, ill be a pro at relaxing. lets hope.

:: caroline 4:07:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, April 8 ::
the cat and the boy are down the hall sleeping. and me. i cant sleep. ive been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. once i finally get to sleep, its in the wee hours and is usually followed by many times being up and down and tossing and turning all night. my mind races. constantly. and i cant shut it off.

couples therapy appointment number two is tomorrow morning. heres hoping it goes better than the last one. which was nothing short of a tearful disaster.

french class tonight was okay. i get much pleasure out of laughing at myself and my classmates as we butcher the french language. even the guy who sits next to me. who even now. in week nine of the ten week class. doesnt get that the r's are silent pretty much all the time when theyre at the end of a word. and hasnt the slightest idea how to pronounce even the "il" and "elle"s that we have been using since week one.

two more days until we make the five-ish hour drive to pennsylvania to pick up my new car. cant wait for that. no more forty dollar fillups. no more stupid suv.

and tomorrow. following. you know. the appointment. im going to run off and take my new camera. that really ive had since before christmas but just havent used anywhere near as much as i should have. and make use of some of that film on the bookshelf thats been gathering dust. do some stuff for myself. because things have been confusing. and ive been questioning. a lot. who i am. what i should be doing. where i should be headed. things are okay. i suppose. on a technical level. its just. there are just a lot of questions out there right now. that are begging for answers. begging for a place.

:: caroline 11:57:00 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, April 3 ::
today marks the sixth year. six years with the boy. six years. of turbulence. and greatness. and rocky roads. and roller coaster rides.

and absolutely maddening love.

happy anniversary to us.

:: caroline 10:51:00 AM [+] ::

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